Monday, June 6, 2011

Why I Want To Be Like My Kindergartner When I Grow Up

This will be a re-occurring segment on my blog. Why? Why not?
My kindergartner is way smarter than I am.

I want to be free to give everyone “Air Hugs” whenever I feel like it.


For those of you uneducated in the technique of “air hugging”, I’ve included step-by-step instructions.

*** This writer holds no responsibility if you hurt yourself or anyone around you while trying this.

  1. Place your right hand on your left upper-arm.
  2. Place your left hand on your right upper-arm.
  3. Make eye-contact with the person you wish to “air hug”.
  4. While gently squeezing your arms, say the words “air hug”.
  5. That’s it! You’ve done it! Wasn't that fun?


The world would be a better place if we all did this more often. No mess, no bodily contact, just good lovin’. What’s not to like here?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Rain, Baby, Rain

It was as dark and stormy of a night that is possible at one o'clock in the afternoon in South Florida. The rain pelted my windshield in huge drops. The wipers, not being able to move at light-speed, were useless. I drove slowly. As slowly as a senior citizen on the freeway.

In the moments I could see, immediately after the wipers had bravely done their duty, before the downpour made everything disappear, I saw a woman next to the bus stop twenty feet from my car. She stood with her back to the wind and was holding . . . have to wait for the wipers . . . something white in her arms, covering it with as much of herself as she could. . . Wait for wipers. . . Oh my god, she's rocking it! Her gentle bounce and loving gaze were only interrupted by a . . . wipers . . . make that two quick glances up--probably searching for any sign of an approaching bus.

I had just enough time in between wiper swipes to check the backseat. Yep. I think my daughter's currently vacant carseat was the kind that could hold a child between 5-65 lbs. I would save them! If only the cars ahead of me would move a little faster, I could get this poor mother and child before they melted. . . Come on . . . Come on . . . A little closer now . . . Come on. A little closer.

I swung the car into the bus lane, slammed on the brakes, and threw on my hazard lights, hoping that the senior citizen behind me wouldn't get too confused, panic and plow into the rear end of my car. I slammed my finger onto the automatic window control (what did we do before those?) and the passenger-side window lowered, allowing the rain to drench my car's interior.

"Get in!" I shouted to the woman with the baby.

"Oh my God, thank you!" she shouted back, pulling the door open.

"There's a carseat in the back for the baby!"

"Oh, thank you. Thank you." She slid into the seat. Adjusting herself into the seat, she cooed, "See honey, we're all dry now." The woman held her baby away from her body and unwrapped the soaking blanket.

The baby's fur was all matted and stuck out in brown and black spikes all over its head. The fierce pride that had swollen my chest turned into a sneeze. The woman looked over at me.

"I'm allergic," I mumbled.

"What?" Her attention had already returned to her mangy-looking beast.

"Nothing. Cute dog."

"Thanks. She's my little baby." Then she started the baby-talk. "Awen't you, my pwetty ba-by?"

I pointed to the backseat. "You'd better strap her in."

"Oh, no. She can stay up here with us."

"Great."

Lauren, the hero. Saving the day and then rushing to Walgreens for some Benadryl.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Lucky Me

My life is blessed. I have a wonderful family, amazing kids, a rewarding job, a warm home, and great friends.

While I don't want to seem ungrateful, lots of people have all of those things. That is why I am so excited about the other ways I'm incredibly lucky. It may be necessary for you to sit down, if you aren't already ... wait for it ... patience ... Okay, I can't wait any longer! Here's the good news!

Recently, I found out that an old friend might be searching for me and I can get "better" breasts online! I'm not sure how they knew that my breasts could be "better", but they did! Not only that, but I have two new messages on a singles website that I've never even visited! And, if I had a penis, a company selling a totally natural, herbal supplement could make it larger! And lastly, but please don't spread this around because I don't want everyone knowing, it seems like there's a windfall coming to me, all the way from Nigeria. I'm not going to mention a number, but I will say that with it I could probably buy a better family to go with my breasts!

I ask you: Does life get any better than this?